Heather

stretch and yawn

Thu, 21 Nov 2002 03:27:54 GMT

Well, i am back. All my adoring fans sigh in relief :) jk

Unemployed!! Thought my husband was deploying and he is not. This is great news on the marriage front, but bad for just about every other aspect of my psyche. I need occupation in my day. Sure, crafts can hold you off for awhile, but after that you need some concrete, people affecting work to do. I have to apply at the bank tomorrow, something i'll have to muster my bravery up for, since i dread working with money. But we need to get out of debt so we can begin an actual worthwhile existence.

And for anyone reading this who enjoys world music: try moontaxi.com. Super cool :) it's a streaming radio station (several actually) that tells you the track name, group name, CD and label names and it just keeps playing. i LOVE it :) so i highly recommend checking it out. Good, free music is a good thing :)

Ok. I'll save more rants til i know i have a little more of an "audience" :)

Sat, 05 Oct 2002 16:54:00 GMT

Sigh. I'm trying to stay at my job for JUST a little longer. It's weird, cuz I was reading this thing on msn.com about "ways to tell if you're going to be fired" or not. One of them was that people who used to be real chatty with you now kind of ignore you or get less friendly. I feel like this is happening, and it feels bad. Maybe i emit some sort of "i think i'm superior to you" vibe, since I've noted on several occasions that I don't like the South as much, that as a matter of fact, ha ha, the North is smarter generally (this is something they laugh at, it's not some sort of preachy rant on my part, we all kid about it), and that I hate repetitious hip hop, rap, boogie and "soul" music with no actual words. (they play it constantly, the SAAAAMMME songs over and over and over, and it's the ugliest versions of the genre. Otherwise, i would care less that i do!) I mean, I like Lauryn Hill and India Arie, but prefer other kinds of music. It's not black people i have a problem with - it's people who are black who are exclusive, who live as if "being too white" were a problem. When i could care less what race someone is, until they make it an issue i better be aware of. Or if a black person tries to do well or befriend white people, they have a problem. This bothers me, since I am white, and since the sort of person who cautions their fellow man not to "do too well" is not a person I respect, black or white.

I feel like, because I am trying to be MYself, and I don't pshaw and smack about other people being THEMselves, that i should receive the same courtesy. I don't think i HAVE to enjoy this music the majority of my coworkers enjoy and play all day at work, but I don't make a huge fuss because all but me and Will are black, and they resonate with this music, excluding my boss who is Mexican. Well and good. But i don't think i should have to understand all their jokes, which are incomprehensible to me, some of which i don't get cuz i either didn't grow up in an African American environment silly me, or i'm literally half their ages. I blatantly don't fit in, and it's sad for me. Cuz i try to just be nice. I don't talk down, or be real haughty or anything, i just speak on occasion. And since i don't end all my sentences with "know wha'i sayinnn'??" i'm a snob, or so i feel i am perceived. This is not my home, and I'm trying to do what I can. But i don't see why me just being quiet makes me this weirdo in the office. What am i doing wrong??? <:) I honestly don't know, or i would change. I recently went home to New Hampshire and cried when we had to leave. I want to go home. And i'm going home in December, to continue my education. My husband suggests that they "sense" i am leaving, that i don't fit in (not necessarily in a mean way), and that it's only a matter of time, so why try to bond any more? I just don't see why I have to inherently understand what my coworkers are about (seeing as too, almost all of them have spent 20+ years in the military or around it). I have been in Georgia and the military just under a year. And because I'm not impressed and not easily satisfied, it makes ME incomprehensible. I've been told to just shut my mouth and share no opinions (yeah free speech - oh i forgot, the War isn't over yet, that's right), and so I have done on so many occasions it makes me hit this bursting point like now, where i think "can i even go back there? will there be a job when i get back?" I mean, after my reprimand, I try to keep busy as much as I possibly can, while everyone else sits around and jokes and tells stories or gossips maliciously in the corners. Or sits there half asleep or picks at their fingernails. If i read a book, i'm not paying attention to my job. If i was picking my fingernails, that's acceptable. These are the things that make me want to BE a boss so i can employ people like myself and say "you know what? if you have nothing to do, please enrich your mind rather than engaging in mindless dribble if you feel so inclined." As a matter of fact, i would only hire people who read and email when they're bored at work!! :) I mean, if i read the news on my free moments, it's ok. But if i'm enjoying myself, i'm stealing the company's time. (and they have no money to spare, really) This is my vent. I have to muster up my faith again and realize that this IS temporary. That i am going to quit the second week in November (God please let me last that long without being reprimanded again). That i can keep my mouth shut, and i mean shut (of course that'll make me unsociable, and therefore not working well with others i bet...when i speak, people give me nasty looks. i could be talking about the job itself and it's like i'm crazy) Sigh sigh SIGH sigh sigh. I just pray for mercy and the grace to BE gracious. To love these people as human beings and leave the job AT the job. I'm noticing that interracial relationships that work are really based on some sort of commonality. Like my husband, for instance. He's Latino, and I love him :) And yet, if he acted 100% "typical Latino," I could like him as a friend, but for me personally, a marriage would probably be a little harder. This is not to say i have some racist mindset, it just seems true. Because my husband is able to be quiet when I'M on the phone, and continue to be loud when his mom is on the phone, we can get along. :) Otherwise it's a constant struggle of wills. And i challenge anyone who grew up in a homogenous environmen to live this and tell me what you think. I thought people who are saying what I'm saying were ignorant, but then again, everyone I grew up around was just like me. And the South is different. In New York, i didn't see race after i lived in such diversity. In the South, the war is still going on and on and on. I have always LOVED other cultures. I loved going to college near New York City and i loved when i lived IN NYC how there was always someone new and interesting around. I love that. But honest to goodness close friendships NEED to have some higher commonality, i think. I have had black friends (from Pennsylvania and Zimbabwe) where this "race matters so much i can't believe you notice i'm not white" mentality is just not there. Fact is we ARE different. But we don't have to make it a win/lose kind of game. You know? I don't want to sound evil, i'm just having a hard time blending in, no matter what i try, with Southern people. They are totally different. Like Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama said, we should require a passport to go from North to South!! :) I agree!!!!

Sat, 14 Sep 2002 02:20:22 GMT

Well, the week has gone well, despite the little skiff from my boss...now he tells me all week in his subtle way that i make him nervous when i'm trying to stay "on task" all the time cuz he's tired and wants to stay online at my computer - which, even though archaic in these modern days, is much faster than his. Loading a page on his takes literally about 5 minutes :)Anyhow, he was suuuuper lax this week. I think that he was annoyed the day he confronted me and just wanted to say "Heather, you're starting to slack off, time to pick up the pace again..." to which I would gladly respond. My job is EASY. And i have no problem making it more varied. The circulation in my legs is already going... :)Anyways, i'm thinking about leaving and going back to school in January. My husband actually suggested it - it is all too tempting for me :)

I feel melancholy tonight. It's been awhile. :) My husband is watching the comedians on Comedy Central, which i normally enjoy with him, but tonight everything is getting on my nerves. It's hormones, i know for a fact, but i don't want to take it out on him. I am tempted to manipulate his emotions: take everything offensively and then sigh loudly like he's an idiot for not getting it :) Just to be amused. But i know that's below the both of us :) i hope it is...anyhow, it gets weird, cuz i love him to death and he's always good to me :) So i came here to gripe instead! Hopefully IM some of my sympathetic female buddies :)

Sigh sigh sigh. One of those moods where i strangely DO NOT know what i want to make me feel really and truly satisfied. Usually i can kind of figure it out - "Painting, that's it." "calling a friend, yeah!" "ooh, ice cream sounds good," for instance. I exhausted that option when i got home by chowing the second half of my Ben and Jerry's as soon as i walked in the door :P I could've done the whole thing in one easy and fulfilling sitting, but decided to save the other 975 calories for the NEXT night. I tried to make up for it by doing my new Pilates video, which is actually quite good, but halfway through, as my bloated belly was shaking from the muscle strain and i wanted to cry and throw things across the room, already using up all my "you can do it, come on, i WILL finish this video" motivations, I frowned and pouted and slammed the damn thing off :) Laid on the floor and went to get some food again :) I'm entitled!! I am woman hear me whine and complain! Hear me rave about ice cream and hear the cupboard doors open and shut while i search for cookie dough mix and something for dinner! Oh well. It'll pass. I want to read and then i get tired. I lay down, and then i feel fat and lethargic. I sit with my husband and get mad cuz he won't play with my hair the right way. Everything is chaos. Right up there with world hunger :) So all the gentlemen that may ever read this, think twice before you complain about woman in this state :) it's hard, especially when you know better but your body doesn't seem to.

Women unite! :)

Wed, 11 Sep 2002 15:40:12 GMT

What 60's Crowd Are You "In" With?

i love it. :) didn't even have to lie to get this result LOL

groovy

Fri, 06 Sep 2002 23:08:47 GMT

This is a very pretty poem :) I'd heard it before, but it's really nice.
Go Maya Angelou :)

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

~Maya Angelou

My official soul type :)

Fri, 06 Sep 2002 22:31:00 GMT

I'm exceptionally artistic!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

Fri, 06 Sep 2002 21:45:36 GMT

I got yelled at at work today. I have no job description and up til now, have had no complaints or suggestions about my work. What i was specifically asked to do, i do well, and our regional manager has no problems with my work (he trained me) although the guy in my job before me had problems all the time cuz he lies! I even asked my boss "gee, i feel like i should be doing more. What do you think i should do?" apparently my job is sort of "invented" to help the office aspect of our little office supplies store, so we're supposed to work together to establish a working occupation. I'm not afraid of working, if i know what it is i'm supposed to DO. My boss tells me he's been doing these little "tests" on me rather than just confront me with the issue. I am late about five minutes every day and i'm eating breakfast in the car when i get there. And i do email way too much, so i apologized for those things and am very determined to be a grownup about it. But it was so hurtful. I'd never been "pulled aside" to "talk" before, and i felt awful. I even cried :( It was so hard to stop! But i worked hard the rest of the day, and i think i'll show him i'm a good worker when i know what it is i'm expected to DO. He doesn't articulate much, so i'm supposed to "guess." I invite anyone to come to my job and see i'm telling the truth! :) Frustrating. I want to drink myself into oblivion!! :) oh well. Tomorrow maybe we'll go to the beach, my hot Latin Lover husband and I :P yay

Mon, 02 Sep 2002 01:22:06 GMT

We went to St Augustine this weekend!! woohoo! You know, it is good to be able to pick up and GO. My husband and I had a three day weekend, and we woke up Saturday morning and said "so where to today?" and got in to car and went to St Augustine!

So off to Florida (we're in Georgia) we went. Looked for a hotel, every one has a pool which is my favorite part of hotels :)We went to like the Ramada or something and the guy said they were sold out. My husband, two of his friends managing hotels, said there are never "no rooms" - they always keep three rooms open in case the A/C blows in one room or what have you. Supposedly they can reject people these rooms (?) He thought it might be a prejudice thing, which i wasn't sure of, but it kind of weirded me out if it was... but anyhow, the hotel people were all snobby when we said "oh, how much is it?" and when they said like 90 bucks a night, we couldn't pay, they were like "who cares! get your poor a$$ out of this establishment!!" Finally the po folk Best Western smiled our way and said "yes, we have ROOMS, and yes they are less than 90 a night :)"

It was so humid there, the floor was sticky and gross and my clothes were damp in the morning. I was having a hard time breathing, where i otherwise don't. Anyhow, we swam in the pool a little, i bashed my knee trying to touch the bottom with my husband, and then we got out and went in search of the "nightlife" part of this party town. We aren't partyer types, but we went to see another way of life. No one seemed to be out! It seemed to be just another town, gas stations, some cute little shops downtown, along the road wrapping around the bay...the coolest thing was seeing this lighted mass rise out of the side of the road, turning out to be the Castillo de San Marcos - the first fortress in the USA. Apparently this is the oldest city in America, which was neat, although the "aura" of an old city was not there. It was a tourist town all the way.

BUT, that same night, we ended up off the beaten path a little (or so we felt) and found this phenominal mini golf course. It was really big and really fairy-landish. They were open til 10pm and we were there at 9pm, and so we went in. It was almost THIRTEEN DOLLARS to play mini golf!! Not that it was justified, but it was THE coolest course i ever saw. I think it was run by Japanese people (the lady appeared so) and they had these cool Japanese fish you could feed for 25 cents a pop - they were really big and very hungry :) But the whole course was full of full-grown bonsai like trees that wove around and you could crawl through, over, around them...little babbling brook coming down a natural looking mountain...all these "sunken ship" kinds of things, multi-altitude greens...they were so neat. We had a cool time, and of course we were dorky and made out in the dark corners of it, in the little tunnel from one hole to another - it was nice :)

In the morning, we saw why everyone came to this town - the buildings were gorgeous and the bay was lit with a BLAZING sun. Perfect landscaping, palm trees looking all tropical, everything in Spanish motif. The Castillo looked cooler and we saw the entrance to the Fountain of Youth, but didn't end up getting in there...we snuck into the Castillo cuz i was fascinated but i don't believe in exploiting Americans by making them PAY to learn about their heritage - so we didn't pay! just walked right in. It was cool to see something so old - early 1600's i believe. We stood on the top of it, and saw a dolphin just swimming in the water :) it was cool.

But everywhere we went cost something nearly outrageous. We tried to go to this national park there with boat rentals and nature trails, which i was excited about, being a gorgeous day and me adoring nature - we paid 3.25 to pass the gates, and found out we had to be "registered campers" to go on the NATURE trails, and the boat rentals were kayaks and canoes for 15 dollars an hour, with the high risk of rip tides (three rescues the past few days, so be careful) - we left after like 20 minutes, after buying some fluids to replenish the ones we lost in the sun boring into our bodies, and ended up going home.

I am WIPED from the sun - it was SO HOT. I got a racerback tan on my back from my tank top from maybe an hour, hour and a half in the sun :) we were glad to come home where we could relax and be around books :) it was not a very artsy town, intellectually devoid pretty much :) i don't even remember seeing a library!! wa ha ha Here we thought Georgia was "devoid." we were happy to be "home" again :)

Phew! i need to SLEEP. The sun warped my poor lil New England body :( And my throat hurts. I suppose i'll get over it ;)

Thu, 29 Aug 2002 13:23:48 GMT

<td bgcolor="green"> You Are
Tangerine

You are a beautiful person, in a wistful kind of way. If you could, you would spend all your time daydreaming and writing poetry. You are a tragic beauty.

You are sensitive and caring, and you don't take insults well. You don't smile much, but when you do, you really mean it.

People like to be around you because you are a calming influence. You have an appreciation for all things beautiful, and you probably have some potted plants. You also most likely own a cat.

You like Sundays and hot tea. You will spend your entire life yearning for quiet beauty, which is a rarity in this world, so you read a lot.

Everyone you know thinks you're "nice."

Take the Which Led Zeppelin Song Are You? Quiz

Thu, 29 Aug 2002 13:08:04 GMT

I don't know what happened, man, but i am not feeling well! :) I had some Cream of Wheat and a Slim Fast for breakfast (maybe that's it.) Not on a diet or anything, but they substitute well for missed breakfasts and i happen to like Cream of Wheat (and Orange Pineapple Slim Fasts) anyway :)
Anyhow, i got to work, sat down to start printing things out, and my stomach turned on me FAST. I'll leave the details to your imagination ;) Wasn't that bad, but now i feel kind of shaky and ick and like i can't drink enough water. Then i tried to call my husband to keep him on the lookout for my call, since he has the car today (just in case i grow violently ill :)). And i could not for the life of me remember my phone number!!! It was so scary - and worse, i called the same wrong number twice. Fortunately the guy on the other end was nice. He's like "who are you trying to call?" to which i answered "my own HOUSE! you know how sometimes you forget your own phone number cuz you never call home?" I could tell he was like "yeaahhhh...." oh well. I don't even know who he was.
Pray for my intestinal woe! Slim Fast be damned :) (unless it is used for the dieting purposes it was created for :))
Ugh.

Wed, 28 Aug 2002 14:11:03 GMT

I was so excited yesterday - I got my CD's!! :) 12 free from Columbia house. Then since my husband signed me up, he got like 5 free too :P oh yeah, we's a team
I got:
Jewel's Christmas CD
Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack
the Immaculate Collection (Madonna)
Eric Clapton/BB King (New Orleans really stuck in me)
2 awesome worship CD's
oh yeah, Joni Mitchell who ROCKS Melissa Jeanne...
John Mayer (i love his song on the radio about "real life" not being what everyone seems to think it is)
i ordered Peggy Lee (Fever) but i don't think it came in :(
a Delirious CD
Juan Luis Guerra for my husband (reminds him of home, he says, which is the Dominican Republic)
and a CD for my friend :)

I love da music.

At work again, it got slow again, so I'm listening to the Oldies and updating my journal and getting paid 8 bucks and hour to do so. It was a gift that I get the "fast" computer at my job for days such as these :)

a poem/psalm

Wed, 28 Aug 2002 13:46:12 GMT

Praise God, who in chaos sounds silent
Waiting for the wise to cease and be still
Praise God, of peace, who doesn't yell over foolosh din
To add to disaster

In silence it seems, He is heard
In ugliness He remains impregnably beautiful.

He is not restricted by culture or race, by law or disbelief
Who can walk through a wall, walk on the water, calm a storm, defying natural law
Requiring no proof to exist

He is the breath in the Beauty, the original Painter
the awaiting smile in all worthwhile approval
Living water, one who needs no line to follow
He Himself is the infinite and lasting line.

Tue, 27 Aug 2002 13:48:43 GMT

I finished the Two Towers portion of the Lord of the Rings last night :) I felt very proud to get through it all, and I am very into the story at this point. Ready to go out and get the third part so i can have some hope! :) It gets more bleak by the moment. This one ended at the DOOR to the place they have to go, but of course circumstance is laden with hopelessness, some seeming insurpassable challenge that they always manage to emerge from sooner or later, but poor Sam is all by himself at this point and I'm not sure how long he can realistically make it. Then again, it is fantasy :) realistic is not a key word.

Got some new CD's last night - some cool worship CD's my hubby ordered, and this benefit concert for Landmine issues and victims headed by Emmylou Harris. She has a neat voice. The whole thing is very good - singer/songwriter type stuff, acoustic guitar. Some songs are about the cause directly, others are just anecdotes and stories and the like. My kinda deal :) waiting for my 12 free CD's from Columbia House. Managed to bypass the majority of the pop stuff you have to buy if you join their club and got some Joni Mitchell, Jewel's Christmas CD and of course the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack :) sampling it online, i was full of nostalgia :) my family is a Snoopy family :)

Mon, 26 Aug 2002 19:02:01 GMT

So i'm going to be an English teacher... :) I finally feel free enough to do it. I'm going to go to school in the Spring, and finish the Lord of the Rings and read all the books i never actually READ in school - i BS'ed my English classes - skimmed the Odyssey, refused to read Catcher in the Rye, barely eyed the pages of the Greek Tragedies we had to read in highschool for fear of moral contamination (some faith i had :) glad it is evolving) So now i'm going to read Tom Sawyer and Voltaire. Victor Hugo and Ernest Hemingway. I have to learn other languages if i want to go on to grad school - gotta get my husband to teach me Spanish, brush up on my French and then we can study Latin together. (he wants to learn Latin, and as a language lover, it wouldn't hurt...) I already know a decent amount of French and Latin is the base of the languages i'd like to learn so it could be a little easier to learn...i dunno. Lofty goals :) I love language though. It wouldn't be a loss to learn them - I was at the Columbia University website for the Comparative Literature grad studies and discovered I have to be proficient in three other languages beside English. What a feat it would be :) we'll see. For now i have to get my behind back in undergrad and make the grades :) full of ideas, as always...

Fri, 09 Aug 2002 19:18:30 GMT

*ten songs you love*

*32 Flavors - Ani DiFranco
*February - Dar Williams
*Better is One Day - Delirious
*Reverie - Debussy
*Big Rock Candy Mountain - O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack
*Preciosa - Marc Anthony
*Cuanto Te Quiero - Gloria Estefan
*Adiemus - Adiemus
*Wild World - Cat Stevens
*the cello song from Hilary and Jackie
*Take On Me - Ah Ha (it's hilarious)

*Nine TV Shows you Watch*

*Law and Order (my husband got me hooked)
*Trading Spaces
*Wheel of Fortune
*Jeopardy
*Simpsons
*Saturday Night Live
oh yeah, super educational. TV is a brain-fart

*8 things you did today*
*received the deliveries at my job
*read the news on CNN (booo)
*ate some pizza
*kissed my husband
*put on mascara and mauve eyeshadow
*checked out the newest enviro-friendly action of the month on newdream.org (plug plug) :)
*ate the oatmeal my hubby made me :) (what a doll)
*learned how to do price changes at my job

*7 things you find attractive in the opposite sex*
*beautiful eyes
*brown skin ;)
*well spoken/read
*silliness/openness
*multilingual
*a nice smile (someone who CAN smile)
*mahnly sholdahs

*6 foods you like*
*Dominican food
*peppercorn steak
*Ruby Tuesday salad bar
*sauteed lamb
*fruit smoothies
*fettucini alfredo

*5 things in your bedroom*
*lavender curtains from Asia
*a tv
*our Klimt Kiss poster
*my hope chest
*a bookshelf
and that's about everything, but a bed and little dresser in our room :)

*four people who have changed my life* (in no order :))
*Erich, who taught me about "the other side" and exactly where my heart could go
*Andrea, who taught me all my voices and mannerisms and how to be less of a dork, sort of :)
*Enrique, who taught me that it's possible to be happy more than not
*Carol Ince, who inspired me to leave the dance school :)

*three things i have done this summer*
*got my new job
*bought paint supplies
*went to New Orleans in April, does that count?? :)

*two things that make me happy*
*road trips/having a back pack on - GOING somewhere :)
*kisses and hugs

*one person i'll love forever*
pretty obvious at this point...

Thu, 08 Aug 2002 16:26:46 GMT

When do people start developing that "barbecue stance?" - mostly men. And when do women learn how to smile in that really painful way, that fruity, strained "thaaaaanks..."with a crinkly smile? The barbecue stance is that whole arms crossed, pelvic thrust kind of way of standing men do at barbecues, when men and women who might otherwise be relaxed or sexually decided split into traditional roles (not like that's bad per se, just funny when it's not an everyday thing) the women mull around sinks and carry rags around to wipe things down, telling the children to get off the picnic tables and not to touch the food, the men talking about their jobs, avoiding any level of depth, laughing those deep hearty laughs, arms still crossed, sometimes kicking a soccer ball back with a little skip.
I'm at work, and someone came in here doing just that. I tend to think, about men like that, or those grouchy old people who look like they've just petrified into ice or human stone, they were once children. They were once a moment of passion in someone else's life/marriage. Now they're old, petrified people. When does that happen? When do interesting, affectionate children turn into fake, closed-off and eventually bitter and forgotten adults?

Thu, 08 Aug 2002 14:41:56 GMT

I like this color cuz it looks like coffee :)
Not really sure what to write - sort of testing this whole idea out :) Want to see if it gets to the page - seems like there are a lot of depressed and pretentious people here, people who would argue "life isn't always beautiful and happy!" to which i say "but it isn't always sad." Where are the people who have something coherent and non-drug related to say!!! :)

Heather

*stretch and yawn*

groovy

My official soul type :)

a poem/psalm

stretch and yawn